I just watched Spiderman earlier today and I can’t seem to take off my mind the question “Could I be a better man if I had a family with me?”.
Of course, it didn’t start with that question. Most of my formative years, I have always wondered how life could have been better for me if I had both my parents with me as I grew up. I imagined a life where I wouldn’t be held accountable for my actions; where I could easily be told not to do something that is wrong or be thrust into success by motivation from two of life’s most important people.
As I grew older, I realized who we are isn’t all about how our parents raised us. While our parents are present for much of our lives, when we get older we are exposed to different kinds of people; the same people our parents either warned us not to be with or encouraged us to be like. That’s why I don’t like hearing stuff such as “ganyan ka ba pinalaki ng mga magulang mo?”. It’s probably mean to be saying this, but most of the time I would reply “ganito rin ba ang sinasabi mo sa mga anak mo?”.
But then again, I grew older. I became more responsible of myself and my actions, even thinking about how my actions affect my family. I learned how to tolerate certain kinds of people, and to stand up to those kinds who needed a punch in the face. I fell in love, repeatedly; fell out of love, repeatedly; moved on, repeatedly. I learned to accept that no matter how much experience we gain, no matter how much we think we already know about the secret formula to life… life one-ups us almost every time. I learned how hard it is to follow one’s own advice, I learned how much harder it is to be the one who has to forgive, rather than the one to be forgiven.
I could even say, that perhaps, I learned how hard it is to find your roots when you needed them the most. Most aren’t probably vocal as I am about it, but most of the time people of my age and day are probably thinking about who they really are, and how they fit in a world when they still haven’t proven anything and could still fail so much it could destroy futures.
It’s true what they say, life reveals more of its facets as you grow older. Now, even ‘little things’ from when you were still a kid such as a photograph can trigger emotional responses through the roof. You reminisce. You laugh. You cry. You get inspired. Even watching a movie can get you to pieces.
But perhaps for now, I could tell myself that who we are, who we are going to be, is because of how we made/make ourselves to be; no matter how much we get influenced, external factors could only do so much to steer us in different directions. The choice was, is and will always be ours to make.
For now, the question is “Could I have been a better man if I had a family with me?”. I don’t know how much more questions I will have to ask in the future but here’s to more questions about ourselves in the future.
# I miss you, mom.